Yesterday, I was finally able to pick up the ashes of my wife from the funeral home. As I was signing the paperwork I realized the date was the 20th, exactly 4 months to the day Kathy passed away. I asked my friend Ed to drive me there and back in case I had an emotional breakdown once I got them. Oddly enough, I didn’t. In fact, I felt calmer than I had been since she passed. Although that wasn’t the case for the two days previous.
Wednesday evening, I started thinking about Kathy, a lot. As I was talking to a friend on the phone, I started breaking down and began to cry. After hanging up the phone, I ended up crying for quite some time, and could not get to sleep. I ended up finally going to bed around 4am after playing a lot of WoW trying to get my mind off of things.
All throughout the day Thursday, I thought about Kathy and cried off and on missing her. Then that evening my mom called to tell me that Kathy’s ashes were able to be picked up. After I got off the phone, I was okay for a few moments, but then I decided I had better ask Ed to take me to get them on Friday, because the way I was feeling at the time, I wasn’t sure I’d handle it well.
Friday, we went around 2pm to pick them up. Ed drove my truck for me, and then we went to do a few things right after including getting some lunch. I kept waiting for the breakdown, waiting for the tears, but they never came. In fact, the sadness I had felt so strongly for the last four months felt lifted for the first time.
I still miss my wife terribly. I still hurt a lot inside, but I think now that her ashes are home with me, it’s given me a sense of closure that I didn’t have before. I’m still grieving, but I don’t feel like crying. Kathy had a final wish: to have her ashes scattered over her birth state. Originally I was going to have her son and brother do it. However, I have decided I will do that on my own. It may take me a while to do so, but I think rather than having someone else do it, as her husband it is my responsibility.
What comes next for me? I don’t have the answer to that. Maybe some day I’ll be ready to move on with my life, but for the time being, I’m content to be a grieving widower. I have my family and friends. I have my degree to finish. I have my games to play. For now, that’s enough.
I appreciate the thoughts and prayers from everyone. Thank you.
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