So, on with the update.  This is kind of complicated, so bear with me.

On February 29, I remarried.  Yes, it was only five months since Kathy’s passing, and some said it was too soon. When is it not too soon?  Is there some magic number of waiting that makes it ok?

The woman I married, Patricia Graves, is an old and dear friend I met almost two decades ago.  Back when I was part of STARFLEET International, I was placing some recruiting flyers for our local chapter at the bookstore.  When I was setting the flyers near the Star Trek novels, I saw her looking at the books with a friend.  I approached them and ended up recruiting them into our club.  At the time, I was in my early/mid twenties, so I was not as confident with myself.  I tried flirting with Patricia, but her friend intercepted, thinking I was flirting with her.  I had tried to ask Patricia out, but again, her friend was always there,  thinking the attention was for her.  Fast forward a couple of years, and I was married to Vicki, because she was pregnant with my son.  When I did that, Patricia and I lost touch until December of last year.

In December,  my friend Ed had brought Patricia into my World of Warcraft guild.  Well, a couple of weeks later, he brought her over to my house to visit.  Seeing her again was love at first sight, like being struck by lightning.  I felt something then, but I was still grieving over Kathy and felt guilty for having feelings for someone else already.  There were some other matters complicating things, but I won’t get into them as they are touchy subjects.

Patricia started hanging out with me more often, and we ended up falling in love.  On Valentine’s day she came over for dinner and to help me with a photography project.  That night, I told her I was in love with her.  She wasn’t ready to tell me the same thing back, but she said she cared about me a lot.  Well, a week later, and she told me she was falling in love with me too.

We decided to have a civil ceremony at the county clerk’s office on leap day to have a unique anniversary date.  We plan to have a ceremony for our friend and families later this year.  Most likely in the fall, tentatively set for September.

So, right now, I am typing all this out on my iPad, laying here in bed next to my lovely wife Patricia.  We have been married about a month and a half, and I could not be happier.  She truly is my soul mate.

Wednesday evening,  I started thinking about Kathy, a lot.  As I was talking to a friend on the phone, I started breaking down and began to cry.  After hanging up the phone, I ended up crying for quite some time, and could not get to sleep. I ended up finally going to bed around 4am after playing a lot of WoW trying to get my mind off of things.

All throughout the day Thursday, I thought about Kathy and cried off and on missing her.  Then that evening my mom called to tell me that Kathy’s ashes were able to be picked up.  After I got off the phone, I was okay for a few moments, but then I decided I had better ask Ed to take me to get them on Friday, because the way I was feeling at the time, I wasn’t sure I’d handle it well.

Friday, we went around 2pm to pick them up.  Ed drove my truck for me, and then we went to do a few things right after including getting some lunch.  I kept waiting for the breakdown, waiting for the tears, but they never came.  In fact, the sadness I had felt so strongly for the last four months felt lifted for the first time.

I still miss my wife terribly. I still hurt a lot inside, but I think now that her ashes are home with me, it’s given me a sense of closure that I didn’t have before.    I’m still grieving, but I don’t feel like crying.  Kathy had a final wish: to have her ashes scattered over her birth state.  Originally I was going to have her son and brother do it.  However,  I have decided I will do that on my own.  It may take me a while to do so, but I think rather than having someone else do it, as her husband it is my responsibility.

What comes next for me?  I don’t have the answer to that.  Maybe some day I’ll be ready to move on with my life, but for the time being,  I’m content to be a grieving widower.   I have my family and friends.  I have my degree to finish.  I have my games to play.  For now, that’s enough.

I appreciate the thoughts and prayers from everyone.  Thank you.

/logout

I love my wife, more than I could ever put into words.  Notice, I’m not using past tense, loved.  I still love her.  I will always love her.  She brought a lot of joy into my life.  She made me happy.  In the last few years, we had problems.  At the time, I thought she had fallen out of love with me and was just pushing me away.  I couldn’t comprehend how that could happen.  I was still as much in love with her as when we met.  It wasn’t until she was diagnosed with her illness that I came to understand that it was not her fault.  The illness changed her brain, changed her personality.    There was still a little of her left at the end though.  The day she passed away, a few hours before she died,  I had put her back into her bed after changing her bedding and giving her a sponge bath.  When I set her back into the bed, she put her arms around me for the first time in a year and clung tightly to me, crying a little.  She could not speak, but the way she held me told me she still loved me.  I think she was saying goodbye to me.  I think she knew she was going to leave me that night.  I cried with her, holding her nearly as tightly, and gave her one last kiss with her still alive.  When she was gone later that evening, I cried again, this time holding her lifeless body in my arms, while waiting for the paramedics to come.  After everyone had left and we were waiting for the funeral home to come pick her up,  I gave her one final kiss goodbye, and covered her face with the blanket.

This year the holidays mean very little to me.  I used to love anticipating Christmas. She and I could never wait until Christmas day to open presents.  We used to buy little gifts for each other and would give them immediately even if it was a couple weeks or days before Christmas.  Now though, without her here, it’s just not the same.  This year Christmas is just another day.

When I was in the hospital in 2000 for appendicitis,  Kathy was scared I was going to die on her.  She said “don’t you dare die again on me”, while I was awaiting surgery. She wondered why she said “again” after that, so we had past life regressions done on both of us, without saying anything about the “again” statement to the one who did it.  We were told that we were together many times in the past.  We were told that we keep finding each other in new lives, because we have “unfinished business” with each other.  What that means I really don’t know, and how much I believe of it, I don’t know either.  I’m not discounting it though.  Maybe we’ll find each other again in the next life.

I miss you Kathy. Wherever you are, I hope you are no longer suffering.  I hope you are happy, and I hope you are waiting for me to rejoin you someday.  I’ll look for you.  I love you.

/logout

“She’s in a better place now.”

How do you know?  We don’t know what lies beyond after death.  Various religious beliefs say that there is heaven, that there is no heaven, that there is hell, that there is no hell, that we get reincarnated,  that we just vanish…etc etc…And what is so wrong with where she was?  Saying that “she’s in a better place now” makes it sound like being here on this earth with me was not great.  Yes, she was sick, but before she was sick,  was her being with me worse than dying?

“At least she went in peace.”

Again, how do we know?  She was asleep, so we don’t know what was going on in her dreams.  Do we know for a fact that her dreams were peaceful as she died?  Did she dream when she died?

“I know how you feel.”

Do you now?  Do you really know how I feel inside? Did you watch your spouse of 15 years deteriorate slowly, living a miserable existence until they died as a nearly empty husk for a body?  If not,  don’t tell me you know how I feel.  If you have, I can believe it.

Ok, rant over.  Look, I’m not trying to say that I’m not grateful for the sympathy I’ve gotten from people since she passed away.  I am very grateful I have friends who care.  It’s just that those things we seem to automatically tell people have got me thinking about the meanings behind them.

Anyway,  still no luck finding work, and bills are starting to pile.  Social Security is now asking me to pay back the payment she got from them at the beginning of September, even though she died at the end of the month.  Like earlier this month,  I’m still asking for anyone who can help to please do so.  Click on the yellow PayPal button on the front page if you would please.  $5, $10, $25…anything you are willing to help with would be most appreciated.

/logout

I’m sad to say that 2 weeks ago on September 20th, she passed away from her brain degeneration disease. It’s been hard to be without her, but I’m trying to get used to the idea of her gone. She died way too young.

Unfortunately, now the hard part comes. Since I was taking care of her 24/7, I have no job now, which means no income. I’ve been trying like hell to find work, but it’s been scarce around here. On top of that, I have to come up with $1235 for her cremation, money which I don’t have.

So I’m swallowing my pride, and asking for anyone to help with donations. There’s a paypal donation button on the side there. If anyone can help, I will be greatly appreciative.

/logout

The stench in these caverns is strong.  It reminds me of something.  The smell of sulfur and brimstone invade my nostrils, burning my lungs with every breath. I stop to rest for a moment, breathing heavily.  Each step I take is more difficult than the last, but I must press on.  I must find out where the sounds are coming from.  Echoing through the caverns I hear the sound of hammers on metal, pounding furiously, followed by growling, like the sound of a dragon.  ”A dragon in here?” I think to myself. “Impossible.”  But I can’t deny the unmistakable sounds.  I move cautiously, as the light is growing as I get closer to the exit of the tunnel.  I see a bright orange glow at the end.   I finally make it to the end.  The tunnel opens to the mouth of a huge cavern.  Gigantic mallets on chains are swinging down, striking metal plates of some sort, glowing from the intense heat.  I squint my eyes as they adjust.

A giant creature…A dragon!  It turns to me, looking me in the eyes…  I hear it begin to speak

Pain…

Agony…

I sit up with a start, gasping for breath.  ”DEATHWING!”  I shout, startling the bluff watcher nearby.  He runs back to me.  ”What did you say?” he asks.

“Nothing, it was just a dream”  I tell him.   He nods and continues his patrol.

Calming down from the dream,  I slowly get up, stretching for a moment.  I must tell the Archdruid, Hamuul Runetotem, about the dream.  Quickly I walk around the corner to his tent, where he is surrounded by the druid trainers.  They are all standing close to him, fidgeting nervously.

“Archdruid Runetotem”  I say quickly as I approach him.  ”I must talk to you.  I had…I had a disturbing dream.”   The other druid trainers look at me, scowling as if I was intruding.  ”I apologize if I am interrupting, but it is important.”  I say to him.

He holds up a hand, as if to dismiss my apology.  ”It is alright young one.  You are Spiritfire, are you not?”

“Yes, Archdruid.  Please, I must talk to you.  I had a dream about Deathwing.”  A collective of gasps and mumbling come from the trainers.  Hamuul nods his head.  ”You too, young one?”  He turns to the trainers. “It seems you aren’t the only one.” he says to them.

The ground shakes again, stronger than ever.  This quake is the worst so far.  We run outside of the tent to see what is happening.  Off to the north, we see the ground rise, moving.  The skies grow dark and fill with smoke.  Suddenly a sound fills the air, a screech of terror like nothing I have ever heard before.

“Over there!” someone shouts and points.  Through the smoke, a fire burns, and then he comes through…Deathwing.  He lays waste to everything in his path.

The smoke is thick.  It becomes difficult to breathe.  I see fellow Tauren collapsing to the ground, passing out from the lack of air.  The shamans in our tribe work furiously to ask the wind to push away the smoke.  It is a struggle as the elements were afraid of what is happening.  The druids including myself do what we can to ask nature to shield us from the smoke, trying to heal the land.  Once  the smoke is under control, the few shaman and druids that are free start to heal our fallen brethren.

Deathwing has moved on to other parts of the land.  I want to go help the others outside of Mulgore, but Hamuul stops me.  ”We are needed here, young one.  We need to take care of our own first.  We will help the others when we can.”  I nod, and continue to work.

To be continued…

It was late and I could not sleep. Visions of a catastrophic event have been haunting me. The elemental invasions are getting more frequent each day. Something is coming, I can feel it. Something told me that I should go out and see places before things change forever. It didn’t feel right going out in my battle armor, so I put on some simple leather clothing. It felt good to be in clothing like that again, remembering simple times, being close to the Earthmother. I admit, with the events of the late, battling the Lich King, I haven’t talked to the Earthmother in quite some time, nor have I connected to nature as much as I should. As a druid, I should be spending more time healing the lands. Yet, something feels uneasy. The land shakes and screams out in pain. I can hear it. It’s unsettling. Shaking the thoughts out of my head, I put on my favorite hat and headed out from Thunder Bluff on my kodo and made my first stop in Camp Taurajo.

Sitting in Camp T.

It has been a while since I visited this place.  It’s quite peaceful here, far from the Alliance.  I remember the day when I as a young druid set out from Mulgore for the first time and headed here.  I was in training to learn how to shift into bear form.  The first time I stepped hoof out here, I was wide eyed, and not paying attention.  I walked right into a stormhide and almost got myself killed.  I never ran so fast in my young life, and that was before I learned how to turn into a cheetah!   Something tells me I’m going to miss this place.  I don’t know why, but I have a foreboding feeling that this place is going to be overrun by Alliance soon.

Next, I headed south to Thousand Needles and made a stop at Freewind Post.   I spent a little time at the bonfire before taking a long look over the valley from up here.  It is quite an impressive sight.

Freewind Post bonfire

Overlooking Thousand Needles

From here, I made a stop through Shimmering Flats to take a look at the raceway.   I remember watching many a race here, tossing back a few cold ales while watching the goblins and gnomes race it out.

Mirage Raceway

I had to  take one last look at Daisy, the race girl. I wonder what will become of her?

Daisy

Next stop was Tanaris, and my old favorite fishing spot:  the docks at Steamwheedle Port.  As a young tauren, I spent many hours fishing on these docks, long before the dark portal to Outlands was reopened, and way before the Lich King made his presence known again.  Those were simple times.  How I miss them. It’s been ages since I spent any quality time here.  Perhaps I will have to make stop here later this week and relax, forget that the world is falling apart around me, and just enjoy fishing at this spot.

Steamwheedle Port. My favorite fishing spot

Next I made a stop at Orgrimmar, and landed to see the city burning again.  Sigh.  Another elemental invasion.  When will they stop?  What is causing this?

Orgrimmar in flames

I had planned to go explore further tonight, but I finally started to get sleepy and decided to make my way back home to my little hut in Thunder Bluff on Elder Rise.

Sleeping

As I laid my weary body down on the rug,  a bluff watcher passed by, asking me “Are you ok, Spirit?”  I just nodded and gave a weak smile, answering “Yes, I am fine, thank you, friend.”

But am I really?  I can’t shake these feelings of dread, of what is to come.  I thank the Earthmother that my mate, Amaya, passed on many seasons ago.  She was a druid as well.   I wouldn’t want her to go through what I am going through right now.  Our land is trembling, crumbling.  I feel every plant and animal crying out in fear at what is happening around us.

Closing my eyes I wondered, what will I wake up to in the morning?  What is to become of our world?

I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

Overall though it was enjoyable. We saw a lot of good costumes, which I got pictures and put on my facebook and will also be posting here and on the guild website soon. One highlight of the day was a chance meeting with Oxhorn (Brandon Dennis) of Wegame.com who does a lot of very cool machinima. We were walking back into the building and he was coming out, as we almost bumped into each other, and I recognized him immediately.

The costume contest was cool, and the dance contest was great. I’ll post more detailed information about that later. Tonight, I’m tired, just had some dinner, and a few drinks, and am ready for bed.

/logout

Tonight I got to meet Cadistra of my favorite WoW comic, WoW, Eh?. She’s really sweet and even nicer in real life. I even got druid hugs! Yay!

Well, that’s enough for tonight, getting a nice buzz going and gonna log into WoW.

/logout

We all said we wouldn’t yell and scream when we did it, but, yeah, we all yelled, cheered, screamed, etc.  It was worth it.

Big thanks to Theshat for finding a new strat that helped us a lot in phase one, that pushed us into phase two with no trash and the raging spirit down to next to nothing.

And of course, here is the obligatory screenshot of the guild after downing him, and the achievement screenie too.

Of course, now the real work begins…Heroic 10m ICC!

/logout